PORTLAND, OR (2025) "The Politics of Coffee"

The best cafes have the worst-tasting coffee.

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“Slabtown” is a newly developed neighborhood in Portland that’s been built up over the last 15 years. It is apartment buildings mostly, brand new, cheaply made, and not very interesting to look at.

Lots of neo-yuppies live here, and the little shops and stores on the ground level reflect that. Vegan, Thai, and Sushi restaurants. A tiny CVS. A New Seasons supermarket (Portland’s version of Whole Foods). Boutique ice cream places. Minimalist cafes. Some small niche shops that sell things like pet toys or jogging attire.

I occasionally find myself walking around in this area. Just to see how the newest, most bland neighborhood in Portland is progressing.

I wonder sometimes if Slabtown isn’t a response to Portland’s recent riotous past. Like if the buildings have no personality whatsoever, are they less likely to be attacked and vandalized?

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On this most recent walk, I was mostly looking for coffee shops where I could work on my laptop. Blandness is good if you’re trying to focus.

A lot of these places have patios and outdoor areas, where I could work outside in the summer.

I walked around a bit, and then found the exact kind of place I was looking for. A coffee shop with a big open-air patio out front and a row of comfortable Adirondack chairs. Adirondack chairs have those flat, wooden arms that are perfect for resting your coffee while you’re typing.

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I checked the hours of the coffee shop. They closed at 4:00 pm, like all cafes do now. This is for “safety reasons”, is what they used to say. But now that all cafes close at 4, I guess that’s just how things are. (The days of the evening coffee date are over.)

But I was still interested in this place as a potential work spot. Maybe I could come early in the morning when the birds were chirping and people were walking their dogs.

But then I went inside the coffee shop. I immediately encountered that distinctive smell of a certain type of Pacific Northwest Coffee.

It’s the smell of artisanal roasting, done on the premises. Or in some cases, a small roaster nearby who provides the café with elaborately packaged organic, artisanal, roaster-to-retail coffee.

In other words: Left-Wing Coffee.

That’s right. Left-Wing Coffee. There is now Left-Wing and Right-Wing coffee. Actually, this has been going on for many years now.

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Bauhaus Coffee, Seattle

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The best example of Left-Wing Coffee is Portland’s own Stumptown brand. And what does Stumptown taste and smell like? It tastes like someone poured a tiny bit of orange juice into your coffee. Or some other acidic, citrus-y liquid. This gives it a distinct “tang”. And a weird aftertaste.

To me it tastes flavored, but I couldn’t tell you what flavor it is exactly.

I don’t like it myself, though I end up drinking a lot of it because that’s mostly what they serve in Portland’s trendier cafes. And in trendy cafes everywhere.

This phenomenon is worldwide. The best cafes have the worst-tasting coffee. And they are patronized mostly by Left-Wingers.

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